I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
