I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
