If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
