I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
