Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
All I want is dick and wine.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
