There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
