We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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