take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
