I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
