Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
