someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
