yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
