He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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