You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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