I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
