Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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