How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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