Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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