People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
