Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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