I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
