I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
