some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
