Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
