I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Randomize
