i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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