WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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