I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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