So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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