I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize