Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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