if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
