It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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