We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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