Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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