why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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