I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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