Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
