very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
