I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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