you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
