Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
