The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize