You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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