Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
