The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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