we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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