we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
