I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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