Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
