Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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