I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
