i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
