I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
