I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
