Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
