My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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