omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
