some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
