turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
