I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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