Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
