you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
