smell my finger.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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