if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Four minutes until I can fart!
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
