The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
