I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
