you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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