You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
