I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize