I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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