I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
