i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
