i wish my penis had a tongue
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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