i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
