She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
