Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
