R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
one two three fourrrrnication!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
